I recently posted something on Instagram about gaslighting.
My wife read it.
She told me she didn’t understand it.
I told her she was crazy.
Okay…that’s a bad joke.
Here’s what gaslighting is all about:
The term comes from an old movie in which a husband psychologically manipulated his wife to question her own sanity. One way he did this…..he turned down the lights. She noticed. And he denied the lights were dim.
You get the picture.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation done with the intent to exert power and control by making the victim question reality.
Those that seem most at risk are empathetic people that long for attention and approval from strong, charismatic personalities.
Gaslighting is often done (successfully I might add) by the news media, politicians, narcissists, sociopaths, and cult leaders.
But it can be anyone.
A husband, wife, sibling, parent, or friend.
Here are 8 Signs of Gaslighting
#1 Lying
Lying is far and above the classic tool of the gaslighter. But they aren’t lying to withhold information. They’re lying to manipulate.
The person speaks lies as if it’s their primary language.
They will lie to you. About you. In front of you.
They will tell other people that you’re a liar.
Many promises will be made, but very few (if any) will be kept. But don’t you worry, they will always have an excuse and make sure if you question the excuse….then you must be the bad guy.
With gaslighting, lies are used to make the victim question themselves. Self doubt is the goal.
#2 Denial (It’s not just a river in Egypt you know)
They often deny things they said or did. Which I suppose is a form of lying.
They try to push you to prove yourself instead of the other way around.
If you call them out on their lies, they double down and attack back. When someone is so passionate about “their truth” it can often cause you to question if you really have the facts straight.
#3 They will attempt to isolate you
The goal will be to separate you from friends and family that could un-mask them for what they are. But also, they want you to feel alone so that you will only have them to fall back on.
#4 Using what you love against you
Trust me, they know where you are vulnerable and will use every opportunity to prove it.
#5 Frog in a frying pan
This manipulation will be gradual. It might even seem to make sense at first. But as time goes on, the abuse will intensify and your self doubt will increase. Unfortunately by then, it’s often too late to see reality as it is.
#6 It’s not all bad
And what I mean by this….is they will occasionally throw you a curve ball. Do something nice. Say something deep or meaningful or….gasp….true.
But this is all done with the purpose of manipulation and power. They know you crave the attention and the affirmation and they use that against you.
#7 Why you mad bro?
When you start to get upset or when you start to call out some of their inconsistencies, that’s when they turn the tables. You will be accused of the exact same things that’s being done to you.
They will claim you are the one that’s inconsistent and unreasonable. You don’t remember things correctly. You’re the liar. You manipulate facts to your advantage. You’re always out to get them. Everyone has warned them about you and now you’re proving them right.
You get the point. I hope.
#8 But are you crazy?
This is the crescendo. The momentum has been building up. The lies have built a slippery foundation and now here we are.
You start to feel crazy.
And that’s exactly what they want.
They want you questioning everything and your own sanity most of all.
When you question yourself and everyone around you…they’ll be the only one left standing that can provide you with any answers.
So how do you deal with a douchebag gaslighter?
I’m glad you asked.
There are two core concepts you need to understand. Situational awareness and self awareness.
Situational Awareness
It’s like when you notice a person’s twitch. Or the way they say “um” a lot. Once you notice it, it’s hard to notice anything else.
When you realize you’re in this type of relationship, you can start to see reality for what it is. And you can use this as momentum to get back to the real world.
A rule of thumb for dealing with a liar…..watch what they do and don’t listen to what they say.
Write things down. Keep a list of facts. You no longer have to argue the facts. You know them. It doesn’t matter what they say (because we don’t listen to liars).
The next concept for overcoming gaslighting is this….
Self Awareness
You are not responsible for other people’s actions. You are only responsible for yours.
When you know yourself. You can trust yourself. Listen to yourself. And be yourself.
When you have self confidence, you no longer need the approval of a narcissist. You are no longer the weak one, leaning on the stronger one.
You become self sufficient.
And when you do this, you will actually find yourself in a much better position to start a relationship with someone new.
Someone that supports you, gives you freedom, makes you feel good about yourself, and allows you to grow as a person.
And we call this type of relationship…..
Love.
P.S.
want to DRINK my book…..or nah?
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