A friend recently asked me why I was converting to Catholicism.
He told me I was “going in the wrong direction” and laughed.
Now the reason he said that, was not because he thought a different religion was right and that catholics were wrong but because he doesn’t believe in any religion at all. He’s agnostic and to him, the right direction is going away from all of it.
In other words, the only rational decision is to embrace doubt. He was curious as to how a grown man, with any lick of sense could believe all the mumbo jumbo.
It’s a fair question.
I smiled and told him the truth. “Because I absolutely LOVE it!”
He wouldn’t understand if I tried to explain how St. Joan of Arc led me to the Catholic Church. He wouldn’t get it if I muttered something about truth, beauty, and goodness. He would disregard any type of discussion on natural theology or Thomas Aquinas. A transcendental argument would be useless. And a plea for conversion would be pointless.
Let’s change direction though and talk about the story of Peter walking on the water.
You can read the whole story in Matthew 14, but here’s the idea:
The disciples are in a boat and Jesus is out walking on the water. Peter asks if he can join. Jesus says yes. Peter starts to walk out to meet him. Then he starts to see the waves and the wind and gets a bit nervous. Well, this just makes things worse and he starts to sink. He cries out for Jesus to save him and that’s what Jesus does. He sticks His hand out and Peter grabs a hold. Jesus asks him why he doubted.
I’m sure there’s a lot that could be said about this passage.
But I’m no preacher, teacher, theologian, or philosopher. I’m a simple man, so I’ll take this story at face value.
Sometimes we want to do something great. We jump right in. But the world hits back. The wind howls in our face. The waves crash against our back.
It’s easy to have doubts. To let our fear control our emotions. To be paralyzed by suffering and just want it all to end.
I sometimes wonder, was it Peter’s faith in God that was in question or his doubt in himself?
He seemed willing to follow Jesus anywhere and had faith Jesus could save him. So what happened?
I wonder if he started worrying about his place in the world and how he had no right to be out there walking on the waves. He was a fish out of water so to speak. Just a man walking among gods.
I understand this feeling. It’s so easy to doubt ourselves. We can’t seem to see past our insecurities, previous failures, and internal criticisms.
It is difficult to see yourself as God sees you. Created in his image. With purpose and design. That seems to carry a lot of baggage. A lot of expectations. Who can live up to it all?
I have a patient I’ve been treating for depression. Our goal is simple. Just live today and we will deal with tomorrow later. Each session becomes a chance to whittle away at his fears, to fight back against his anxieties, and to take control of his life.
I don’t have a pill to take away his suffering. Instead, we work on focus. My goal is not to infuse him with pop psychology nonsense. Or to inflate his ego. Or to make him a narcissist.
The key is not to focus on the chaos or the self but to focus on Other. The key is to understand your place on the water.
We make slow progress. Set goals. Hit them. Make new ones. Every day a little better. And with this, we stop looking at the storm or the waves or whatever other metaphor you want to use.
If you struggle with depression, it may seem there is no end in sight. Life spirals down and all your options seem to disappear. This funnel of despair is brutally unrelenting. And that’s when we have to understand our place.
We are on the water.
But we are not alone.
We are hit by the waves.
But we are not alone.
We may be weak.
But we are not alone.
We may struggle with doubt.
But we are not alone.
We may have failed millions of times.
But we are not alone.
We may be sinking.
But we are not alone.
We are nothing more than one outstretched hand away.
God does not call us to the storm for us to drown.
He calls us to walk…
with Him.
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