How To Turn Emotional Trauma Into Growth

She was at the gas station.

A simple task.  Get gas.  Go Home.

She didn’t expect to be attacked and threatened.  She asked for help, but none came.

Now, days later, she can still hear the voice of her child screaming.  They feared for their lives.  Luckily they escaped.

The memory of the event puts her into a panic.  Her palms sweat.  Her heart races.  She speaks through dripping tears.

It took some time but we finally got to the heart of it.  The real reason why she was so upset, because no one came to help.

“I just never realized, until that day, that everyone is evil and selfish.”

A cognitive distortion is a thought pattern that we have convinced ourselves to be true but that isn’t true.  It becomes so ingrained in our thinking, that our actions re-inforce the idea.

There are many cognitive distortions.  But today I only want to talk about these two: All or Nothing Thinking and Generalization.

All or nothing thinking is just like it sounds….you only think in the extremes.  You see no middle ground.  You see past experiences and predict future events as black or white.  And often, you judge other people by this same standard.

With overgeneralization, we predict all outcomes based on a previous event.  This limits our expectations and often stops us from future action.

I don’t watch the news anymore.  If I want to know what’s going on in the world, I’ll just ask someone.

A few years ago, I would watch the news all the time.  It was entertainment.  I’d get mad at the world.  I’d think everyone was stupid.  I’d disagree with people just to disagree.  I thought everyone on TV was lying (I still think that, ha.  I just don’t think they’re evil anymore).  I found myself bitter.

I started to see how other people were bitter as well.  Jaded.  Everyone yelling at everyone else but no one listening.  People were talking about abortion but no one was adopting babies.  People were talking about the dangers of drugs but not really knowing anything about treatment or the massive incarceration rates.

Everyone had a side.  A point to make.  And yes, they were good points.

But the problem is, things aren’t black or white.  Things are gray.

It’s a struggle to make sure that truth is our belief and not that our beliefs become our truth.

All or nothing thinking leads us to hold onto any thoughts or beliefs at the price of all other thoughts/beliefs.  One bad decision or outcome, and we think that we are always dumb or things never work out.  We let these beliefs penetrate our brains and run havoc.

So what do we do?

How To Fix Cognitive Distortions

A simple trick to fix these cognitive distortions is to ask yourself questions.  And then answer the questions as honestly as possible.  Strip down the answers and look for both sides of the story.

Here are some examples:

Statement: Everyone is evil.

Question: Is that so? How can I know that to be certain?  Is there anyone I know that’s not evil?  Of course I can name many people that behave poorly but do those people have any redeemable qualities?  Is there anyone I know that has ever acted kindly?

Statement: Everyone on the other political side is dumb.

Question: Can I name at least one person that has intelligence or wit?  It would seem both sides are littered with high intelligence.  Even people that study the same laws, come up with different ways of interpretation.  Is there a benefit to looking at things from a different view?

Statement: I’ll never get a good job.

Question: How can I know that for certain?  Are there other people in the world that came from similar circumstances and improved themselves?  What qualities do I have that other people find valuable?  Are there things I can improve on?

Asking obvious questions like these can help break the cycle of our own cognitive distortions.

Just make sure you try and see all sides or at least as many as you can.

This isn’t always easy, I’ll give you that.  But with practice, you can change that beautiful brain of yours to do impressive things.

For my friend, I asked her if everyone in her story was bad or wrong.  And she had to admit that no, because she was a part of the story.  And that her kid was there as well.  This makes the “everyone” statement false.

I pointed out to her that in the story I hear her tell, not everyone is a villain.  There is a hero.  And she is that hero.

She got out of the situation safely.  She protected her child.  This story isn’t about fear or survival.  It’s about overcoming.  It’s about fighting injustice and coming out on the other side.

We are the stories we tell ourselves.

Our lives conform to the reality our minds create.

If you don’t like the story you’re living, tell yourself another story.

And always remember, every story needs a hero.

Be the hero.

And change the world.

p.s.

All people mentioned in this story are purely fictional.  Any similarity is coincidental at best.